Shifting Into Park. 

Knowing When It’s Time 

To Turn Over The Car Keys.

 Americans have always had a love affair with the automobile.

More accurately, we’re married to our cars, and it is a match made in heaven.

Although it usually starts at an early age, no one wants to divorce the faithful, lifelong partner parked in the garage or driveway – no matter how old one gets.

There lies a growing problem. According to AARP 8,000 Baby Boomers will turn 65 every day until 2029. The U.S. Census Bureau predicts the nation’s 65 and older population will reach 70 million by 2030, and 83.7 million by 2050, almost double the 2012 level of 43.7 million.

The good news: we’re living longer. According to USA Today, an American woman aged 65 has an average life expectancy of 20.5 years, an American man 17.9 years. The bad news: The American Automobile Association estimates we outlive our ability to drive by 7-10 years, an estimate in agreement with studies conducted by Elizabeth Dugan, a gerontologist at the University of Massachusetts.

As increasing number of older Americans struggle to maintain an independent lifestyle, wrestling with the decision to hang up the car keys for good is one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging decisions they – and their families - face.

“I would rate giving up the ability to drive the fourth most traumatic life-changing event a senior-citizen faces, after the death of a spouse, moving from one’s home and coping with a major illness or injury,” said Ralph Hansen, founder of The Caring Coach, a Denville, NJ-based transportation service specializing in the unique needs of senior citizens and those less than fully mobile.

 “Not being able to get behind the wheel is traumatizing on two levels,” Hansen continues. “From a practical standpoint the person still needs to do food shopping, get to medical appointments and accomplish day-to-day chores and errands. On an emotional and psychological level it’s devastating to not be able to meet friends or engage in social functions that keep you active and healthy – mentally and physically. It’s a blow to the ego and self-esteem.”  A University of Missouri study even found when one spouse stopped driving, the other also became more sedentary, effectively isolating both partners.

Hansen regularly provides guidance to seniors and their children who are struggling through the process of getting mom or dad to part with the family sedan.

“Many times it becomes the responsibility of the children or caregiver, since many seniors are unrealistic about their driving abilities, often because they are frightened of losing their independence,” Hansen says. “Seniors will often put some limits on their driving without being pressured. They’ll stop driving at night or in rush-hour traffic, in inclement weather or long distances. But the decision to permanently give up the car keys often comes with a battle because, conversely, they overestimate their abilities. Even in the face of fender-benders, near-misses and traffic tickets."

Hansen has a checklist for children and caregivers to use to be sure the process of taking away the car keys is efficient, fair and creates the least amount of stress. He advises:

1.   Without fanfare discreetly check the condition of the car, garage, fences  and mailbox for signs of damage. Also check that the car is being maintained properly.

2.   Without providing commentary or criticism make it a point to ride along with mom or dad on a few common errands. Hansen provides a checklist of things to look for, most of which are common sense safety issues like drifting into other lanes, abrupt acceleration or braking, or nervousness or confusion in traffic. Similar lists are available online on websites like aging.com or from The National Institute on Aging.

3.   Get their hearing and vision checked and schedule a complete physical that includes testing for physical strength, neck and shoulder flexibility and reaction times.

4.   Check their medications for side effects like drowsiness or disorientation.

5.   Assess their mental abilities, especially if they have difficulty following directions, identifying street signs or have gotten lost or confused driving to familiar places.

Hansen advises children and caregivers not to rely on the state DMV as an easy out for a difficult problem. Most states have fought a losing battle with senior-citizen advocacy groups when trying to implement more stringent driver’s license

re-testing or shorter renewal periods for seniors. Currently Illinois and New Hampshire are the only states requiring drivers 75 and older to pass a road test before they can get behind the wheel on their own again.

Children should be patient, sympathetic and firm, and have options ready for keeping parents in their homes and living as independently as possible, such as suggesting they take remedial driving lessons offered through organizations such as AARP or AAA. Still, it’s no easy task to potentially limit the freedom of your parent, considering 3 out of 5 seniors live in suburban or rural areas where mass transit may be non-existent.

Hansen started The Caring Coach four years ago in response to the specialized needs of seniors struggling to maintain an independent lifestyle.  Unlike traditional taxi or livery services, they routinely go into the home to be sure the client is prepared for inclement weather, have things like referrals, paperwork and medical forms if they have a doctor’s appointment, and check that the house is locked and secure. They assist the client to, into and from the vehicle and wait until the appointment concludes to return them home, then reverse the process by getting them safely into the home, locking the door behind them. Most importantly they communicate closely with children and caregivers to assure them mom or dad completed their trip safely.

“We have a lot of clients whose children don’t live near them, often out-of-state.  It becomes incredibly important for them to know that mom or dad got to the doctor’s on time, returned home safely and what happened in-between. The way we communicate with our clients and their caregivers is like an on-going status report. It provides everyone with peace of mind.”

Hansen states it is common for the process to be a gradual one: eliminating unessential driving first before making The Final Decision. But, he adds, it is never an easy one to make:

“The allure of the open road has been part of the American Dream since the

Model T. The person you’re asking to hand over the keys to the family sedan may well have learned how to drive on that Model T. Giving that up can be incredibly difficult. Children and caregivers need to be respectful of the emotional challenge it represents and do everything they can to find viable alternatives that help maintain the freedom, independence and dignity a person is used to. That’s the driving force behind what we do at The Caring Coach.”